8-15-2010
Steven Slater, American Hero or Scourge of the Air Traveler? You Decide. Marriage is Gay in Mexico City now, Ole'! Michael Jordan Uber Alles!
Jetblue sky hooker Steven Slater, got a little fed up on what turned out to be the last flight of his professional career, he had no doubt, had enough of the abuse administered to him by the people he swore to serve & went a little apey. You see, what happened was, that upon landing, & before the aircraft had taxi'd to a complete stop @ the gate, a woman stood up & began to retrieve her carry on bag from the overhead compartment. Steve, being the seasoned pro that he is, & already having experience dealing with her prior to take off, asked her to refrain from what she was doing & to sit back down until the aircraft had stopped, when she told him to fuck off, &, that's when it was officially on. The 38 year old Slater got on the P.A. mike & started dropping a multitude of F bombs directed @ everybody, but @ the impolite assaultress in particular. He said he'd had enough of the business he'd been in for the last 28 years, (even though he's only 38...hmm) grabbed himself a couple o' cold ones, deployed the aircraft's emergency slide & put in his 2 seconds notice.
The rumors are, after getting to the bottom of the slide, he drank the beers before going home & making sweet, sweet love to his boyfriend. &, if his boyfriend is a bottom, you know damn skippy he took the brunt of Steven's anger right in his... oh well, you know where, & that's probably why Steven was smiling when the cops showed up, but that's not important now. What is important is, he's now in jail where they happen to frown heavily upon homosexual activities. No wait, they ass rape in jail, that's right. I was thinking of congress...no, they put it in the butt in congress, too. I know, I know, the Navy! What? The Navy, too? Dammit! Oh well, I'm not sure what I was thinking of, but, @ least it's not like that in highly masculine world of the airline industry & to my knowledge, Slater is probably about the only gay male flight attendant out there. I mean, seriously, could there be a more macho profession? I think not. But, even though he's gay, he certainly doesn't want to go to prison, regardless of what they say about the society of incarceration. I ask you, what's more fun, taking it forcefully up the old tail pipe by some unfriendly cons who probably will call you again or curled up on the couch, spooning with your life partner while watching Curb Appeal on HGTV? You do the math, I'll do the science.
You can make a difference...With money
Steven is facing some serious charges while the bitch, who very well could have concussified him, walks the streets freely, it just don't seem fair is all. Luckily, there is a place you can go online to help America's newest folk hero, Steven, with some of his mounting legal bills, & they've come up with a super clever name to boot, it's called the Steven Slater Legal Defense Fund, yay! So, chip in a few bucks because not only is Steven going to need it to battle these charges, he is also going to need to purchase some nice, new resume paper. Now, I'm not going to contribute to it myself, but I think putting the link to it in my column is practically the same as giving him some money. Perhaps someday he'll return the favor & give me that extra bag of peanuts when I actually ask for it, finally. That is, provided he is ever employed by a major airline again.
They can't let her get away with this... can they?
On a personal note, I am happy that there is finally some serious talk about pressing charges against the bag whose bag created all the problems for Steven in the 1st place. It all started @ the beginning of the flight, she lost her mind when Steven suggested she check one of her bags that was a struggle to get into the overhead compartment, & when she yanked it out, it hit Steven in the head...Boom! & as we all know, No person may assault, threaten, intimidate or interfere with a crew member in the performance of the crew member's duties aboard an aircraft. If you add walking around the cabin while an aircraft is taxi'ing, she's looking @ some hefty fines, & you know she's the paragon of indignance right now @ the sheer thought of, heaven forbid, having to pay for what she's done. Perish the thought. Why, don't they know who she is? Yeah, she da' cheap, impatient bitch who was trying to save the check bag fee which would've been small in comparison to what she's going to pay now. Now that's a shame. She should also be gearing up for a civil against her by Steven, that is, unless she is clever enough to knock off all the witnesses before it ever comes to that point. In the end, I imagine, she's going to wish she had just checked her bag & stayed in her seat like a good little air traveler.
Is Steven a hero, or just plain stupid?
Slater quit his job in an exciting manner that a lot of people wish they could emulate, but not me. No, if I were to quit my job, I'd a) make sure I had 1st another job b) put in my 2 weeks notice & c) make sure that I left on good terms so that I was eligible for re hire. That way I wouldn't end up in jail (for that, anyway) & I'd still have a job. Too pragmatic? Oh well, call me Mr. Practicality, but in these wintry economic climes, a guy likes to feel a little more...secure. We don't all have the luxury of an emergency slide that we can just deploy whenever we decide we've had enough of our careers, most of us simply have to use doors. & however is Steven going to top this exit when he himself gets into yet another one of those awkward, wanna get away moments? Will he choose to fly Southwest? Will he chew on a TWIX bar? Will he pop a Mentos in his mouth & give the old thumbs up sign to diffuse the situation? That might be the best route because I believe we all know that fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life! Mentos, the freshmaker! Hey, that's pretty good! I should write jingles. & when I'm tired of my jingles writing job, I'll just grab me some cold beers, deploy the emergency slide & ride it all the way into history! Yeee hawww! No wait, that's what you say when you ride away on a horse. I meant of course, wheeeeeeee!
What are you more afraid of, the cartels, or this?
(CNN) -- Mexico City, one of Latin America's largest metropolises, on Monday legalized same-sex marriage and adoption by same-sex couples.
Ha, just because I was done with my flight attendant story, you were under the impression that the gay talk was over. Well, think again folks, it's only just begun. You can bet your ass that America, arguably the most homophobic country in the world, is a little nervous about our neighbors to the south being free to be as gay as they would like, legally. So, pop open a cerveza & sit back & let me tell you folks about a gay Mexican encounter I had one time a long time ago, not @ band camp. I was managing a restaurant in Texas & had a really cool guy named Hector who worked back in the kitchen. Hector was a great, hard working employee who anyone would've killed to have on their staff...figuratively speaking of course, but I should've known something was up because the guy was just too well groomed & organized to be straight. He was one of those hombres who didn't even stink after a 10 hour shift in the kitchen when a lot of the guys were pretty smelly before their shift even started. I'm not trying to be prejudiced, I know a lot of them worked other jobs & didn't have time to shower before coming to work with me, but I digress. Anyway, one day, one of my fellow managers & I went out to run some errands & after we arrived back @ the restaurant, we noticed a guy running full speed out the front door as we were walking in. Naturally, we thought the place had just been robbed or something & ran inside to make sure everybody & everything was okay.
Cuidado!!! Muy Peligroso!!!
Upon looking around, what should we find, but Hector, lying on the bathroom floor. Hector, what happened? I asked, & he replied, crying, he attack me! He attack me! Now, Hector was a stand up guy & we weren't about to let some pendajo' get away with perpetrating that kind of nonsense on him, so we bolted out the back door to spot the guy running through some apartments that were right behind the restaurant. So, we jumped into my Supra & hauled ass around to the front of the complex, where we thought we could head him off, & as we pulled up, he came running out practically in front of us & when he saw us, he turned around & ran the other way. We jumped out & split up & ran after him & when we finally cornered him in an alcove, he stood there all panting & panicky & I asked him, why the hell did you do that to Hector? & he stood up very proudly & exclaimed, in a very heavy, not speak so good english mexican accent, he...was...my...lover! Apparently, he & Hector had some kind of lovers quarrel & when he tried to walk away, Hector tried to physically prevent him from leaving & the guy had to punch him just to be able to get the hell out of there. So, we let the guy go & went back to the restaurant & admonished Hector just a little bit, not for being gay, of course, but for putting us in the position to try & defend him for not being able to keep his man. Ouch.
But, the plot thickens
That really wasn't that big of a deal & didn't take long for the awkwardness to pass, but, I hired my little brother to bus tables a couple nights a week for some extra cash & I thought I spotted Hector eyeballing him one night during a shift. After I took my little brother home that night, I went back to finish closing up the restaurant. After closing, I bought the staff a few rounds of drinks & Hector was a little toasted & became a little emotional & told me what a great boss I was & how he appreciated what me & the other managers had done to help him. But then, he said, Todd, jew are berry nice, & Mike, jew are berry nice too, but Todd, jore leetle brother...is berry, BERRY nice, with an almost asking for my permission to have sex with my 16 year old brother look in his eye. So, naturally, I had to fire Hector on the spot. Now, what does that have to do with same sex marriage being legalized in Mexico, you may ask? Nothing really, I just thought you should hear that story, America, because it not only teaches you that a little tolerance can go a long way, but also that if you're thinking of trying to have gay sex with your bosses little brother, you'll probably be out of a job. & I'll bet you anything Hector'd wished there had only been an emergency slide that he could've deployed upon professing his desire to sex up an underage American teen. Ah, the gay Mexican irony of it all.
El Fin
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Ummm....Say what now, Michael?
Finally, what in the fuck is up with Michael Jordan sporting a hitler moustache in his latest Hanes underwear commercial? Is he slowly letting us know that he would like to become a Nazi someday? 1st, he started shaving his head & now he's gone & Adolphed up his stache. What's next, a bleach job & a brown shirt? Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael, Nazi skinheads don't like black people. You're a sharp guy, I'd've figured you knew that by now. I know what you're going to say though, oh, just cuz Hitler wore that kind of moustache, now no one else can have one? Well, yeah, sort of, but not really. Anyone can have any kind of moustache they want Mike, but, if it just so happens to make you look like Hitler, then I don't know, you might want to go ahead & re think it, or look in the mirror, anyway, because apparently, you haven't yet. Otherwise, you'd know what you look like by now. I'm just sayin'.
Forgive me, I certainly didn't mean to offend anybody with logic. But anyway, you know I'm only kidding, Mike. If that's what you want your image to be associated with, knock yourself out, it's your own business. We know you really don't want to be a white supremacist. Sorry for trying to be helpful, jeez. But wait, I think I get it now, Michael, you're trying to befriend Mel Gibson & you thought this was the best way to go about doing that. If that's the case, then I take it all back. That is actually pretty darned clever. Now, why didn't I think of that? I wanna be like Mike, too! Though, I, like Mike, couldn't pull off that lame ass Hitler moustache either. So, even though I don't really know where we are, I'm just going to leave it right there. We're still cool though, right? Hellooo? Um...where's that damn slide?
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. -Dennis Miller?
Yes, believe it or not.